yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
