you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
