had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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