awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
