hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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