I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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