when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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