Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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