I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
