Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
