If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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