what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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