i think my tv is drunk
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
