Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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