Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
