Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
