drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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