So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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