wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
