I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
