I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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