If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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