I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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