Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Even my vagina gasped.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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