My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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