I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
