and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
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I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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