The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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