I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
