piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
