You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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