I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
