I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
