I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
