We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
