I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
