well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
