i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
