I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
