I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
