i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
