im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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