I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
