even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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