No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I forget how to act sober
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
