thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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