things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
