Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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