I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
