I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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