i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
