my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
