can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize