he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
