i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
