I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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